Oh I'm Graduating

Woah, it feels super weird to be typing on this thing again. Haven't touched a blog in about 3 years.

Not a lot whole lot has changed, well, except you may say "Louie, where did all of your hair go?"

Well okay, can't lie, things are pretty different for me now, and I'm back here because I'm trying to get rid of this urge I have to EXPRESS MYSELF!

Alright, with that out of the way, time to get down to business. I've got about...3 days until I walk to graduate college. I'd say I'm handling it okay. Sure, I haven't slept properly and I'm ill on and off the last few days, but I'm okay.

sorta

I've been through hell and back the last couple of weeks, finding myself being stripped of a few labels: College student, boyfriend, and grandson. All of these things have been pretty rough to come to terms with, but you got work with the cards you're dealt, I guess.

I have a few regrets about college, the main one not recognizing how many opportunities there was on campus, and how many wonderful people I met in a such a short period of time. I'm sure everyone says this kind of stuff when the time comes, but I feel like I've been super-ignorant to all the kinds of things I could've done here. I've been looking into non-profit organizations as of late, one in particular being Active Minds; a group focused on changing the way the world looks at mental illnesses.

See, I've been fighting Major Depression Disorder for about 10 years now, and only recently started taking medication and seeking proper help. I've strayed from that path as of late, but I'm working on being honest with myself and trying to be happier on my own. It's...not been that successful. Spent way too long sitting in bed for my liking. It's hard, but I'm making it a goal of mine to finish this damn degree and be able to say I got it, mental illness and all. I want others to know there's hope, and that there is a lot one can do to get help and change their outlooks on lives.

I tried to spread this through applying to a campus event, TedxUConn, making a speech about my story and an attempt to connect to people on a personal level to make small steps in the right direction on how to deal with depression. I unfortunately was not accepted, but I essentially got 3rd place which was nice to know, but still felt like an unfortunate failure in my eyes as only two people got to make speeches.

Sure, it was a setback, but I've been thinking about my own way to change things up: Just trying to stay true to myself.

If it's what thing college has made me actually realize about myself: I'm full of charisma, and I'm apparently a memorable guy. People see me as upbeat even when in my head I'm thinking life is pointless and empty.

I've got a couple of events that help cement that: My time as the male lead in a play, and my time as a rule advisor/regular at my local card shop, Friendly Fire Game Center. See, both of these kind of made me realize something, like actually really important: People like me.

I CAN HEAR IT NOW, "Louie! How could you not realize something really simple about life?" and to that I say eh whatever

No but for real, as someone who has been battling mental illness for so long, I'm kind of coming around to the idea that if I put myself out there, people like me. Like, it's such a simple concept, but does wonders for my self-esteem and totally changed how I see my life. I go through my everyday life and people remark about in how good of a mood I seem to be in, when in reality I feel like total garbage on the inside. It...makes me realize that the phrase "fake it 'till you make it" is a bit blunt to use here, but it's kind of been working. People notice my joy, and it makes them happy. People have acted so surprised when I admit how sad I can get, and it's a really weird compliment to be told how well I hide my depression. I've just kind of come to accept it. I know I got some gears in my brain that don't work very well, and that's not my own fault. I've had people tell me that I just want to be sad, that something bad just has to happen to me, and I'm sick of fucking feeling like that. That was never the truth, it's just that some people have no way to really fathom depression until they come to terms with their own issues or experience depression themselves.

Like, I want to go out to the world and make a difference, you know? Maybe not necessarily like...traveling to foreign countries to provide aid, but trying to make a difference on my own homestead, and find some way to take my shitty trauma and teach others how to deal with it better than I did.

Long story short, here's me months ago:

Here's where I'm at now:

Did that make sense? Good.

It doesn't make sense to me either don't worry